One day in your life a thought passes that skydiving seems like fun, but then you continue with your ordinary life. It’s a surprise when the thoughts of skydiving resurface. In a dentist’s waiting room you gravitate towards a magazine article that further peaks your attention. Your interest in the activity develops. You learn more, decide to go, and bravely sign up. But when you finally go skydiving for the first time you know you’ll have to push yourself harder, especially at the final moment of stepping out of a perfectly good airplane into nothing but air-space.
What is happening inside you is the clash of excitement for a new experience against the sensibility of your ordinary routine. Your insides become kinda “mushy” because you don’t know if you have the guts to step out. That “mushy” feeling is the same thing an actor gets just before a stage performance; the feeling is the same for athletes before a contest; a soldier before a battle; a policeman before encountering a thug; a business associate about to make a major presentation to a group of executives; a politician about to make a major speech.
I was secretly a cross dresser. It never affected anyone. No one knew.. It was totally harmless, except perhaps to my own male ego. But there’s the rub. When I did what was comfortable and natural for me some artificial social influence was pinging at me that I did not fit the social norms. Well, in fact, I didn’t. But why was I persecuting myself about it? Who exactly actually fits the social norms? Well, just like the potential skydiver imagining a jump by stepping out of a plane my own head was imagining all the terrible things that happen when any cross dresser is revealed to others.
I found EON because I knew there are others just like me, or similar to me. So like the skydiver I learned more, decided to go, and bravely signed-up by merely “promising” to make an appearance at a meeting. That night, I was dressed just like most men on the street. Well, never mind potentially appearing cross dressed, I was becoming traumatized simply by wanting to go to a simple meeting with others just to talk about it! The contact for EON understood. It was even offered to meet privately with a couple of members during an “off night” instead of the whole group. Not wanting an off-night meeting I pushed myself to step out into “air-space.
My own particular rule was I had to force myself to be totally honest.. Gee, what a concept! If asked, I know I had to admit who I was, not only in name but what my real preferences are on the topic. Here came that pending feeling of air-space again! I only knew one name, one point of contact, and this was someone I never met before! Well, in fact, I was also meeting “myself.” Go and figure. There’s something to be said about meeting yourself. In my case I began seeing my own gremlins and goblins which were plaguing me. I didn’t like them but I was certainly beginning to like myself lots more!
My point of contact was there, much to my relief. She welcomed me kindly and with understanding. Despite the whirlwind experiencing my “mushy” gut my parachute opened. One by one I was introduced to person after person who actually understood what it feels like to attend a first meeting. EON was the support “parachute” needed to prevent imagined free-fall in air-space.
The most important person I finally met was I. When it was over I knew my future EON meetings were going to be more fun. It will take time to learn about the others. But as Enya sings, “…who knows where love grows? Only Time.
I’ll tell you lots more about my first meeting when you come in for your first meeting. Parachute anyone?
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A letter from Frankie;
Well, being subject to the above conditions, I thought I was making the best decision when I decided to wait until I had the proper attire, a wig (Male pattern baldness…), could make up my face adequately, and had few pairs of heels, before I could show my face at an E.O.N. meeting. Girlfriends and future girlfriends I offer you a caveat – don’t wait to join E.O.N. like I did. What did I find that would convince you to immerse yourself in a lifestyle you are considering, but are reluctant to get involved in because – what if someone found out? Excruciating repercussions? And plus, at your age, you don’t need to be ostracized by friends and family… What could be worse? They’d probably make you walk around with scarlet letters “CD” on your shirt… Well, rest assured that you’re not the first one to harbor those feelings. I think if the truth be told, we all entertained those thoughts at one time or another – “we” being we members of E.O.N.
So, what did I find when I attended my first meeting? Outside of the nicest group of people I have had the pleasure of meeting, I found a meeting that was informal but run exceedingly well, by far, the friendliest group of people I have ever met, a group of people dedicated to furthering the TG community, information shared by everyone, for everyone, and a lot of laughs and giggles, some home made banana bread that was absolutely delicious, and two of the members giving me a few tips on make up as we were fixing ours to ready ourselves to go out after the meeting – as a group . What did I, as an individual, feel on that day? Oh boy! What a day for me! So many “firsts” for me that I am a little hard pressed to list them all but, I DO want to list some of them to give you some idea of how this group of wonderful people made this special night of mine a whole lot better than if I had gone out by myself.
Everyone met at an establishment after the meeting, and made sure that everyone in the group was not only comfortable, but many came up to me asking if everything was all right and telling me a little about their first night out with the group and how and when they made the decision to “take the plunge” as it were. It was my first time that I had ever been out dressed up and with make-up, and at an establishment and to top it off, most of the clientele knew that we were all TG “girls” out en masse. I could see some of the guys checking us out…something totally foreign to me but nonetheless, new and exciting. All through the evening, the “girls” made a point of asking if I was all right which is a very kind gesture in and of itself. The first time I had ever been out with a wig on (receding hairline) to go with an outfit and actually improve my looks as a T-Girl. There were things I was lacking, like polish on my nails but nobody made mention of it and they didn’t care. They were more interested in whether I was having fun and was comfortable.
Well, this past weekend, I went out with a few of the girls and another first was notched on my purse: the first time I have ever worn heels in public! Some might think, “small thing”, but never having ever fathomed that I would be out en femme, and with heels, this was exciting! And I didn’t fall or look funny (Don’t say it…I know the comment..), well, I hope I didn’t anyway. But, to me, I am taking baby steps in a lifestyle I plan to pursue the rest of my life and I won’t forget these days or the wonderful people who came into my life with such a kind and loving attitude that I will never forget them either. So, the main purpose of this missive arises, which is “Do I recommend that you go to an E.O.N. meeting? Are you hesitating? Do you think you’ll stick out like a sore thumb? Will everybody there be looking at you thinking,”Oh, he’s one of those”? Well, if the thought even enters your mind, do not hesitate to go and join this group! They’re dynamic, gentle, smart, concerned, and there to help anyone who has a question about any phase of the TG community or life. Don’t hesitate if you think you may not fit in or maybe that life isn’t for you. With that, you have to decide, but at least go and talk with these people and learn what the real deal is. You just may be pleasantly surprised, and Lord knows you’ll have all the support you’ll need. Do yourself a favor, and check it out. After my first meeting, I was absolutely hooked and happier than I have EVER been in my life.
Respectfully submitted,
Frankie
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A letter from Jojo;